Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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