Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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