Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize