Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
