I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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