The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
