9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
