I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
