Who did Billy Mays play for?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
