oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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