Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
