No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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