she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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