Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
