we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
