he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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