Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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