New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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