I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
