Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
