I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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