I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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