apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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