Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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