i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
