I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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