hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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