i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize