at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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