i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
ttyl tear gas
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
