I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
