mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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