I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We are two peas in an std pod
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
