I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
