i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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