tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
