I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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