How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize