Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
