If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
