if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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