He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
