Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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