: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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