Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize