I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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