no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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