Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
