I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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