i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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