I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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