I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
