Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
