Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
