That's when you crack a 10am beer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
