God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
