two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
