I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
