just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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