i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
