you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
