Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
He has the fingertips of a God
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
